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Day 14 -I am grateful for the everyday opportunities to express gratitude through my actions

While researching for this Gratitude Challenge last week, I stumbled upon a group of bloggers who had taken part in a similar challenge in 2009. One of them was Ana Picazo of Bonggamom. I followed the links back to her fun, tip-filled blog and came across a ‘gratitude alphabet’ post she had written in 2009. Her observations were a mix of astute, relatable and funny. Check them out below:

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D — Okay, I admit it: I’m one of those women who’s ecstatic that she has a daughter. Not that having sons isn’t wonderful. But you know what I mean.

I — I’ve got the best in-laws ever; you’ll get no monster-in-law stories from me!

N — Our little computer nook on the upstairs landing has the best view in the whole house, and it’s my favorite place to be.

S — The public school system in Palo Alto is blessed with dedicated teachers and involved parents (the fact that so many of them are also internet millionaires with big hearts and big checkbooks is an added bonus!)

T — My son ThreePo needs constant love and affection, but gives it in return.

Y — I don’t have my youth anymore, but the memories are great!

[/quote] Ana Picazo, blogger, freelance writer, mom.

You can read the rest of her gratitude alphabet here.

What I really liked about Ana was the authenticity and playfulness that came across in her posts. So I reached out to her for an interview. Check it out:

[message_box title=”Interview with Ana Picazo (Bonggamom)” color=”beige”]

Love the Filipino word ‘bongga’ and your fun food and lifestyle updates. Briefly tell us about how you got started blogging.

In 2006 I was a mom of a 5 year old girl and twin 2 year old boys…. and I was drowning. I needed an outlet, so when a friend from school invited me to write for the Silicon Valley Moms blog, I jumped at the chance. Silicon Valley Moms blog went on to become one of the most successful collaborative blogs of its time, and I went on to start a personal blog and a review blog.  I fell in love with blogging and never looked back.

What current or recent project are you working on, and what is your role?

I still maintain both my personal and review blogs, but the bulk of my work as a blogger consists of freelance writing. I am currently a contributor to the Savvy Source, Silicon Valley Mamas, and Bedtime Math.

Tell us more about the gratitude challenge you took in 2009.

In August of 2009, I was invited to join a group of bloggers in blogging every day about the things we were grateful for. We were given specific writing prompts and activities for each day of the 21-day challenge.  I welcomed the challenge of blogging each and every day. I also wanted to be a better role model for my kids, and do less yelling and more hugging.  I thought that taking the time to reflect upon my blessings was a good way to start.

What was the best part of the gratitude project for you personally?

Remembering and listing down everything that I have to be grateful for.

What was the most difficult challenge you had in maintaining a gratitude practice?

Maintaining the discipline to blog every day.

What’s the biggest thing you learned from the gratitude project?

Being grateful is easy, but acknowledging it and thanking those responsible takes work.

Gratitude is more than an attitude, it’s a habit-tude.

What’s one piece of advice would you give to someone considering a gratitude practice?

When you think about it, you can be grateful even for little things. Look at the little things in your life that make your life easier or make you happy, and think about what your life would be like if they weren’t there.

What’s next for you?

My kids are moving on from elementary school to middle school and beyond. They are getting more independent, which gives me more flexibility to pursue more freelance contracts. I’ve taken a position as a social media manager for a nonprofit, and I’ve begun dabbling in web design.  I don’t have as much time for personal blogging, but I’ll always be a blogger at heart!

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Ana also talks about “the little things in your life that make your life easier or make you happy”. Gratitude has one of the strongest links to mental health and life satisfaction. More than any other personality trait. More than even optimism, hope or compassion.

According to researchers, Ana’s tip to “think about what your life would be like if they weren’t there.” is actually effective in inspiring gratitude and happiness.

In his book “Gratitude works : A 21 day program for creating emotional prosperity.”, UC Davis professor and researcher Robert Emmons writes that “thinking about the absence of  something positive in your life produces more gratitude and happiness than imagining its presence.” These findings (a result off controlled research experiments) show that gratitude works in ways that we can barely begin to comprehend.

How this changes YOUR life

The biggest take-away for me from Ana Picazo’s was her advice about gratitude being more of a habit-tude than an attitude. Its the little things in your life that add up to make the bulk of your lived experience. The smallest of things can inspire gratitude in us. While its relatively easier to sit down in the comfort of your home and write down little lists of gratitude in your journal, the real work – and especially the rewards come from acknowledging your gratitude through actions. By thanking people who have helped you, by performing random acts of kindness, by reaching out to those that are less fortunate and helping them.

Last week, a friend posted on her Facebook status that she was blown away by a simple act of kindness at the drive-thru.  The guy who drove up before her had paid for her order in advance. She seemed thrilled with the experience and talking about how she hoped to pay it forward someday. You can imagine the gratitude a stranger’s simple act inspired in her. A small bill paid at the drive-thru – he didn’t even have to go out of his everyday routine to show this simple kindness.

[quote align=”center” color=”#4acb58″] A gratitude practice is more effective when you take concrete steps to increase your ‘gratitude awareness’ and to infect other people with feelings of thankfulness by setting an example of giving without expecting anything in return. [/quote]

[youtube height=”480″ width=”940″]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r8qYyeMMWI&feature=youtu.be[/youtube]

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I am grateful for the ability to nurture a grateful disposition through my thoughts, actions and convictions. I am grateful for the ability to deeply ingrain this practice into my everyday struggles so that ‘giving thanks’ can germinate in the fertile ground of my inner being. I am grateful not only for the ability to contemplate on all the things I am grateful for, but also for the ability to act, express and release my gratitude in order to change the world around me.  Gratitude felt and more importantly, expressed through our actions can radically change the nature of a relationship, journey or goal. I am grateful for the everyday opportunities to express gratitude through my words and actions.

Inspired by Robert Emmons’ powerful metaphor of ‘growing gratitude’

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Today’s Task

Today’s task is as simple as going out there and sowing your seeds of gratitude in the world around you. Get up right now and go do any of the following five:

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  • Write a letter to an old teacher, professor or mentor about how they changed your life. If they heaped you through a particularly challenging experience, let them know. Go out and mail it.
  • Call your mother, father, sibling or spouse randomly. Talk about how much you love them and how much richer your life is because they are around to support you.
  • Perform a random act of kindness.
  • Help someone in need – volunteer at a shelter, help an old lady with the groceries, donate your old clothes.[/list]

 
Now, go out and make the world a better place!

 

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Day 12 – I am grateful to my sister for dragging me to Yoga class

Growing up in an East Indian household, Yoga was something reserved for crummy old uncles and aunties trying to lose weight. Any Indian kid I knew, any Indian kid worth their salt steered clear of anything yoga-related. My grandmother did yoga, so did my aunt. They made me do it sometimes with them. I kind of thought it was fun – but I wouldn’t be caught dead doing it.

So imagine my surprise when my sister insisted we sign up for a month of unlimited hot yoga (unlimited?!?) at the local yoga centre when I returned home for a visit this summer. Not only was she literally dragging me to yoga. It sounded like some torturous new fad. What the hell was hot yoga???

I went reluctantly, almost ran away again when I realized hot yoga was literally HOT… We were practicing inside of a sweltering room heated to unnatural degrees by a heater and humidifier rolled into one hideous looking machine. It was supposed to be good for your joints… or something.

Anyway, I started the session skeptically, but by the end of it I was like WOW! The workouts were gruelling, but there was nothing new about that. I’d done gruelling workouts before. What blew me away was that the entire time I was contorting my body into impossible positions in that dark, infernal studio, my mind was quiet. No anxieties surfacing, no fears, no thinking just a soft, worm void like a womb. Instead, I felt a sense of relief at not having to think. I’m a worry wart. My mind is constantly whirring, even when I’m trying to relax. The evil side of my brain is constantly whispering silent poison into my internal ear about ALL the things that are going to go wrong with my life if I take risks. I take risks anyway – and boy, do I pay the price listening to my inner devil.

Our instructor closed the practice with a few lines of gratitude for the support we take for granted – the ability to have been there in that room, the circumstances in our lives that make it possible to engage in leisure activities like this. She asked us to release all hurts, self inflicted and by others, to release our fears and let the universe take care of them. As corny as it sounds, the meditation had me sobbing uncontrollably by the end. The combination of moving muscles I had long ago forgotten how to, with the gruelling physical conditions and the utter mental peace gave me an overwhelming sense of relief that I had not felt in a long, long time.

Back in the real world, I felt rejuvenated, empowered and ready to take on anything that life throws at me. That month of hot yoga has long been over, but I’ve rediscovered a new sense of freedom in the practice of yoga that grounds me everyday. I’ve possibly turned into a crummy old aunty and I can’t believe how good it feels!

[youtube height=”480″ width=”940″]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaPWdvDiPaE&feature=youtu.be[/youtube]

[message_box title=”Affirmation” color=”beige”]I’m grateful for a sister that pushed me to join yoga class. I am grateful for my old folks that took care of my little one while I indulged in daily hot yoga sessions. I am grateful for the luxury of time and money that allows me to afford such leisure practices that rejuvenate me. I am grateful for the physical and mental benefits of discovering this yoga practice. I am grateful for the amazing instructors at Moksha Yoga whose words had a bigger impact on me then they will ever know. Their words moved me to tears, they allowed me to introspect and think the scary thoughts that I was repressing. Their gentle support allowed me to think these scary thoughts in the safe-womb of that dark studio. I am grateful for the strong and supple body that allows me to continue to practice everyday. I am grateful for the steady mind that allows me to focus my thoughts. I am grateful for the breath that allows me to centre myself. I am grateful for the lungs that draw in oxygen and give me strength. I am grateful for the change in my food habits as a result of my yoga practice that allows me to nourish myself with clean, healthy food that keeps me nimble. I am grateful for the burst of energy I feel after a practice session. I am grateful for the increased mindfulness I experience as a result of practice that allows me to be fully present with my two year old. Most of all, I am grateful for this beautiful life I’ve been blessed with where I feel free, joyous and excited to begin each day with my daily practice.[/message_box]

 

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Mindful productivity- working in the present

[quote align=”center” color=”#4bac58″]And what is it to work with love?
It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart,
even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth.
It is to build a house with affection,
even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house.
It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy,
even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit.
It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit,
And to know that all the blessed dead
are standing about you and watching.
– Khalil Gibran[/quote]

In a discussion about productivity, people seldom expect to talk about mindfulness. Sometimes though, mindfulness is exactly what we need in order to stay productive, just like in other aspects of our lives.

In particular, being mindful of our internal dialogue, limiting beliefs and personal strengths can be helpful in identifying the style of work that is most productive for us.

[quote align=”center” color=”#4bac58″]There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life. ― John Lennon[/quote]

In her best-selling book Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain, author identifies that human beings have two primal responses to stimuli- fear and pleasure. Those of us that are governed by fear are preoccupied with protecting ourselves and seeking safety. Those of us who are governed by pleasure seek excitement and novelty and new situations. Obviously both temperaments in excess can be harmful. The fear brain can lead you down a path of worry, nervousness, suspicion and negativity. The pleasure brain can cause u to seek out excesses, hush-risk activities, and even substance abuse in order to feel that thrill of doing something unique.

The body, like the mind, also has two responses to any situation – yes and no. The next time someone asks you a question or proposes an idea, observe your body closely for its internal answer. When your internal answer is yes while thinking of an idea, a question or a situation, you are relaxed, and positive. Your breath is even, the tone of your voice is level.  When it is no, you scrunch up and tense. Your shoulders pull up to your neck, your breath quickens, your body tightens.

 

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Jot down two or three questions that have been on your mind lately.

Keep these questions in mind as you proceed through the exercise.

Sit down on the flow or in a yoga mat. Cross your legs put your palms on our thighs. Imagine a thick gnarled root coming out of your spine, grounding you into the earth below. Think of your head sending out a million shoots and leaves reaching high towards the sky.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Notice the tension in your shoulders, let it go. Notice the tension in your abdomen, let it go.

Notice what is going on in your body. Breathe like a baby – with abandon and trust.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Ask your first question.

Suspend your conscious thinking. Do not try to think logically or drive the answer into a certain direction. Restrain your rational and logical responses.

Listen instead to your body. Is your body tightening up, grabbing on to your roots? Are you holding tightness in a particulate part of your body as you ask this question? Just observe the reaction of your body as you hold his question in your mind.

When you’re satisfied with the answer, breathe, and let this question go.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Ask your second question

Repeat the thought process above for the first question.

Maybe you’re feeling free and peaceful as you think of this question. Is there a sighing, a release, a sense of relief as you hold this question in your mind. What is your body telling you?

When you’re ready, breathe and let go of this question.

Repeat the whole thing if you have a third question.

Breathe.

When you’re ready, slowly open your eyes and reflect upon the wisdom your body has just shared with you.

With practice, you will learn to respect and recognize the powerful decision making of your body. The silence that this bodily awareness creates in your mind will be more valuable, restorative and productivity-inducing than any expensive vacation you will ever take.

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Often people think of meditation, inner peace and achieving a state of “flow” as some esoteric mumbo jumbo. But these things can be applied in your everyday working life too.

Here are some ways you can infuse awareness into your everyday work activities:

  • Being present in the moment. Wherever you are, truly engaging in conversations and making meaningful connections with those physically around you will create a special bond and magical memories more than conversations online ever will. Remember there will always be time to write on someone’s facebook wall, or send your crush a text message.
  • Focusing only on the current task. Eliminate any negative feelings that keep you from being productive. Attempting to achieve multiple goals all at the same time is not only an inefficient venture but also a counterproductive one. Remember that grasping new concepts and getting a project done properly is a big responsibility and requires all the attention you can give it.
  • Not worrying about the past or the future. This is similar to being in the present moment, but cultivating mindfulness can help reduce anxiety, nervousness and agitation which stems from negative experiences or feelings of the past, and anticipation of what is to come.

 
The ability to identify both fear and pleasure stressors in our lives, create a quiet space to rejuvenate and work free of your everyday tensions can create an avalanche of productivity in your everyday productivity as you learn to let go and ease into the activity at hand.

[quote align=”center” color=”#4bac58″]Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor. ― Thích Nhất Hạnh[/quote]

 

Working in fear

Fear is a manifestation of misplaced hope. When you are constantly hoping for an external miracle to solve all your problems,  you’re also in constant conflict with reality. Leaving behind your fantasies about life to fully embrace the reality that is present here and now is the key to unlocking your happiness and creativity.

[quote align=”center” color=”#4bac58″]Every time we choose safety, we reinforce fear. ― Cheri Huber[/quote]

Contrary though it may seem, giving up your rigid notions of the world, can set you free. There is no limiting beliefs or castles in the air interfering with your fluid perception of reality. And when these limiting beliefs are gone, you can really work with yourself and get into the elusive “flow”. Speaking about the state of “flow”, working in the “zone” isn’t really different from mindfulness when you think about it. When you work in the “zone” you are present, fully focused on what is in front of you. No past and no future limiting, obscuring or altering your present reality.

 

Working with pleasure

[quote align=”center” color=”#4bac58″]Be happy in the moment, that’s enough. Each moment is all we need, not more. ― Mother Teresa[/quote]

Joy is the pervasive happiness that stays constant regardless of the internal and external circumstances pressing upon us. Unlike the superficial notions of happiness, living in a state of joy simply means focusing solely on the present. It means living in the present moment with intensity, experiencing the world around us with a heightened sense of attention.

Working with joy doesn’t mean that you’re not aware of the negativity around you. Instead, working with joy means that you’re constantly living the present moment with a pervasive awareness of the grand perspective of things. Working with joy means stepping back from our fear and pleasure stressors and working in a “zone” that is neither altered by the situation nor the actions of totters around us.

 

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Spice up your dull routine with small breaks throughout the day

Continuing on with our productivity intensive series, another way to stay productive is taking breaks throughout the day. After having convinced you of the need to take a vacation in yesterday’s article, let’s talk about the benefits of taking small breaks every day.

The first hour or two after I get to work probably go by fairly quickly and I find that I have been quite efficient and feel a sense of accomplishment. But as lunch time creeps closer, I find myself distracted with various irrelevant thoughts and my productivity plummets. Even after lunch, this does not always improve as I begin to feel sleepy and lazy. Have you experienced something similar?

Regularly taking a few moments to recollect our thoughts, track our progress and break away from the task at hand can help us feel more calm and content as well as improve our productivity, physical and mental wellbeing.

 

The Facts

[quote align=”center” color=”#4bac58″]Maintaining unbroken focus or navigating demanding intellectual territory for several hours really does burn enough energy to leave one feeling drained -Ferris Jabr[/quote]

Studies have shown that performance begins to deteriorate after 50-60 minutes of continuous work. However, taking rest breaks every 40 minutes at least can reverse this decline in performance. Setting a reminder to take breaks has been found to be more effective than breaks taken on an as-you-need basis.

Research has shown that those who work in 90 minute spurts may be more effective and productive than those who do not. Regular, short breaks that involve physical activity also only help relieve physical tension and discomfort built up from doing continuous work. You will return energized and ready to get things done. In the long term, taking small breaks can also help lower stress and reduce risk of accidents, soreness, musculoskeletal disorder and eyestrain. And if you were trying to get back in shape, you’ll be killing two birds with one stones as short breaks are also linked to having a smaller waistline, lower body mass index (BMI), and lower triglyceride levels .  

 

The Logic

Breaks are scientifically-proven to boost focus and productivity. Taking short breaks enhances concentration, alertness and speed & performance. Usually, I put off my projects for as long as possible, then scramble at the last minute to get it done, sitting for long hours without taking a single break- this has often lead to poor insight and the quality of my work has suffered. Do you have any similar habits? Keeping this very basic logic in mind the next time something is due, will save us all from a lot of agony and potential burnout.

[quote align=”center” color=”#4bac58″]I think people get so caught up in what they’re doing that they feel like they’re going to get behind if they stop. But everything you ever read, it’s always better to get away for a little while than keep going, going, going, all day. You come back with a clearer perspective and it’s more clear after you’ve taken that little break. –Toni Lozano[/quote]

Remember that breaks spent cyber-loafing or social media connecting are not real breaks. You are still sitting in front of a screen probably slouching, your eyes are straining to read the screen, your wrists, shoulders, and back have been in the same position for quite a long time. You need to change up the pace and make space within your body. You need to take active breaks and get moving. People who are more physically active during the day tend to be more productive.

 

What to do on your breaks 

  • Get up and stretch
  • Use the bathroom
  • Go for a short walk away from your workstation
  • Get away from the screen
  • Grab a coffee
  • Snack or drink water
  • Have a conversation with a coworker or a friend
  • Close your eyes and practice visualization
  • Focus on your breathing

 

 

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Bring out a pen and paper and answer the following questions: 

  1. Reflect on the kind of work you do. Is it sedentary or physical, do you have the opportunity to take frequent breaks to switch things up and stay recharged?
  2. Do you take breaks when you have the opportunity? Why or why not?
  3. If not, what are the obstacles you face in taking regular breaks?
  4. How can you overcome these obstacles?

 
And my favourite:

  1. What activities best recharge you (e.g. running, art, writing, painting your nails)?
  2. Identify one simple way in which you can incorporate these activities into your daily breaks.

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Share in the comments below any thoughts or opinions that came up while reading this article.

Quit procrastinating, start early and take lots of breaks to get things done without losing your mind.

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How taking a vacation can boost productivity

In our busy, everything to-go filled lives, it is important to take a moment to reflect on the impacts of such a lifestyle. First, let’s acknowledge that working too much is bad for you, your employer, your family and friends. Yet it is a lifestyle that so many of us fall victim to. We live under the illusion that everything we are doing is equally important and more often than not, get so drowned in all the important tasks that we completely give up. The busy routines we find ourselves in are not providing ideal lifestyles for our productivity and creativity to thrive.

[quote align=”center” color=”#4bac58″]A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking. -Earl Wilson[/quote]

Every once in a while, get out of your routine. Even though routine is thought to be the core of productivity, often what is missed is the need for a break. It is extremely important for us to take time to take a break. Both on a small scale and a larger scale. In this article, I will convince you on why you need to take more vacations. In the next article, I will discuss the benefits of taking small breaks throughout your day.

The best phase in my life which was coincidentally the most productive one as well was after my most memorable vacation in the summer of 2009. I travelled to India with my family after seven years and was completely rejeuvinated upon return. I’ve noticed after coming back from every vacation since then, there is a magic that follows after every period of rest and relaxation. Leave a comment to share your experience.

[message_box title=”Exercise:” color=”beige”]Think back to your last vacation. When was it? What is your best memory from it? On a scale from 0-10 think about how badly you needed that vacation. Now stop reminiscing and come back to the present. How much do you need a vacation now? Do you constantly feel irritated, anxious, tired, frustrated of it all? How close to burnout are you? [/message_box]

 

The Facts

An estimated average of 9.2 vacation days were left unused by Americans in 2012. More than 6 out of 10 Americans reported working through their vacation. While advocating for more vacations, Tony Schwartz, Energy Project CEO compared energy to time. “Like time, energy is finite; but unlike time, it is renewable,”  he wrote in the New York Times. “Taking more time off is counterintuitive for most of us. The idea is also at odds with the prevailing work ethic in most companies, where downtime is typically viewed as time wasted.”

 

[quote align=”center” color=”#4bac58″]“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it”  Jim Goodwin[/quote]

 

The Logic

Our bodies are very flexible and accommodating of what we put them through, for the most part. However, living with chronic stress which comes along with our busy lifestyles hinders the body’s ability to resist infection, maintain vital functions, and its ability to avoid injury. When we’re stressed out and tired, surviving on only a few hours of sleep and a poor diet, our immune systems become weaker and we are more likely to become ill. Chronic stress also has impacts on our mental health. We become more irritable, depressed, and anxious. It is also linked to memory problems and poorer decisions.

Vacations have the potential to break into the stress cycle. We need to take breaks in order to allow our bodies to recuperate from all the insults and catch up on rest. During the vacation, we gain perspective on our problems, get to relax with our families and friends, and get a break from our usual routines. As the vacation ends, there is a sense of empowerment; we emerge from a successful vacation feeling ready to take on the world again.

[quote align=”center” color=”#4bac58″]The purpose of a vacation is to have the time to rest. But many of us, even when we go on vacation, don’t know how to rest. We may even come back more tired than before we left. – Thich Nhat Hanh[/quote]

 

Benefits of taking a vacation

  1. Recharge and enjoy life
    • Avoid burnout
    • See the bigger picture
    • Gain more energy
    • Experience new things
    • Strengthen family ties
    • Allow for personal growth
  2. Increase productivity
    • Enhance job performances
    • Increase focus
    • Promote creativity
    • Improve mental skills
    • Gain new perspectives
  3. Stay healthy
    • Relieve stress
    • Improve mood
    • Catch up on sleep
    • Reduce risk of depression
    • Boost heart health
    • Promote well-being

[message_box title=”Try this…” color=”beige”]What is the one place you have wanted to visit since you were a child? Why haven’t you been there yet? What is the one activity you have been thinking of doing? Take a few minutes to plan your next vacation. If you don’t have the money or time right now, plan a stay-cation budget trip. Take just 2 days from your busy life where you will just let everything go and exist in the present- worry free.[/message_box]

Pack your bags, cut out the routine and take a vacation, and watch your productivity fluorish in the weeks that follow! Stay tuned for an article on planning a vacation.

channelingyouranger

Eliminate The Toxic Habit That is Ruining Your Life

 Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. – Buddha

 

Define Your Anger

Whether you’re an irritable person by nature, or usually maintain a cool, you’ve experienced anger at some point in your life. It’s very hard to withdraw yourself from the moment and not allow the anger to take over control.

Take a minute to evaluate what exactly it is that you are feeling. Do you feel betrayed, are you furious and feel like punching someone?

Ask your self uncomfortable questions about your anger. In her book “The Dance of Anger”, Harriet Lerner, a scholarly writer, psychologist and a renowned relationship expert asks readers to pose the following incisive questions to identify the true source of anger:

  • What about the situation makes me angry?
  • What is the real issue here?
  • What do I think and feel?
  • What do I want to accomplish in this situation?
  • Who is responsible for what?
  • Specifically,what do I want to change?
  • What are the things I will and will not do?

Understand that whatever you are feeling is normal. Accept that it is completely human to get angry or upset, I’d be worried if you never felt that way.

Rate your anger on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being the most severe. Anywhere above 8, and you’ve got yourself in a pickle. This is a serious concern, which you must address. But if I were to give you a piece of advice it would be this: pick your battles. Feeling emotions of anger is okay, but allowing it to control your actions in a negative way is not.

Discover The Root

Do some detective work and figure out what the cause of your anger is. A lot of times, the trigger may not even be the actual issue. There is often a hidden, more prominent reason for your anger. Don’t ignore it. In most cases, people keep their feelings bottled up inside of them and allow their anger to build up over months or even years, and then explode in at a seemingly “random” situation because they can no longer maintain their composure. That is why it is so important to determine the underlying cause, and not work on the superficial root.

Once you spend a little time thinking about what the cause of these feelings is, you have two options: deal with the root of the anger or let the anger go. Choose wisely, because you will have to accept responsibility for your actions and its consequences. My advice is to first deal with the problem and then let it go.

Eliminate Anger From Your Life

So you’ve decided to confront the issue and reach some middle ground with the source of the anger. Kudos to you! Avoidance is a sign of weakness, not maturity.

Talk to the person at the root of the anger. If it is something they did or do on an ongoing basis that you don’t have any part in or control over, then you need to let them know how much it bothers you and affects your mood and life. They may not even know that it bothers you and discussing it with them may lead to a surprisingly easy and positive outcome.

If it is something not out of the ordinary about the other person, or something that angers you in every aspect of your life, regardless of the environment and people, perhaps you should think about the possibility that it is your ideas and beliefs about certain things that are causing you all the anger, rather than an external source. In this case, accept the cause and start working on yourself so you can live an anger-free life.

Now that you’ve dealt with the cause of the anger, its time to explore ways in which to release your remaining anger in an appropriate manner. The first step is, give yourself permission to let the anger go. Chances are you’ve held onto these feelings for quite some time and you’ve become accustomed to having it around. It’s almost become a habit. You may feel lonely without it’s presence in your head and daily life. So allow yourself to be strong and let it go.

Then, give yourself a break! You’ve just accomplished a big task, and freed yourself of a lot of draining emotional baggage. So celebrate!

How To Cope

Okay, so this is great advice for long-term anger management. But what can you do in the meantime while you haven’t had the time to deal or let go, but need to control your anger habits from day to day? Use any or all of these techniques that work for you:

Breathe. Count up until you feel your anger dissipating with each breath. If you can, keep a track of the number you stop at each time and try to monitor the progress. Hopefully, it will take less and less time, each time for your anger to dissipate.

Visualize. Anything that helps you NOT feel aggressive or violent is good. If visualizing punching the person who angers you helps you release the anger against them, then do it. If visualizing a scenic waterfall, helps calm your anger, then do that. I’m not going to tell you what you should visualize, but rather urge you to explore what helps calm your mind the most. You can do this by trying to visualize different scenes each time. You should find, just like with the breathing and counting exercise, that some scenes will help you relax faster, so use those.

Confront. Stand up for yourself if you think that is important. I still emphasize the fact that if you’re not sure how you should react, just don’t and save it until you have some time to analyze the cause. But at the same time, don’t allow someone to walk all over you. Sometimes it is just important to put your foot down, stand up for yourself and let the other person know that you are not going to accept poor treatment. The only advice I can give is make sure you are not being illogical and emotional in your confrontation, otherwise this strategy will work against you and make you look like an emotional fool in the other person’s eyes.

Channel. Invest your time and energy in hobbies, projects and social relationships. Write, paint, dance, run, create, exercise. Take up a reading list, join a martial arts class, go out with friends and family. Learn to relieve your anger in a controlled environment. This can be anything of your choosing, something that truly makes you happy and calm.

NO substances. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to cope. This only delays dealing with the issue and then you end up with even bigger issues than you started with. Use healthy means of coping with your anger that are listed above or unlisted yet positively healthy.

bodylanguage

Leveraging body language to create a commanding presence

Your expressions, body language and gestures can inadvertently convey a lot about what goes on inside of you – including feelings of nervousness, insecurity or uncertainty. Learning to tweak your body language to match the purpose of your message in a social interaction can boost your credibility and heighten the impact of your words.

Smile

But not too much. When people talk about confidence, often they will tell you that you should smile in order to appear upbeat and comfortable. However, smiling too much can work against you too. Especially if you are meeting someone for the first time, smiling too much can make you seem like you are trying too hard because you are emotionally vested in the outcome of your interaction. Same goes for nodding too much and showing too much emotion. The less emotion you show, the more likely people are to listen.

Make eye contact

Solid eye contact lets people know that you’re interested, friendly and that you mean business. Look directly into the eyes of people you are speaking to, hold their gaze for 2-3 seconds before looking away. Don’t overdo it because looking too long can make you look creepy. On the other hand, casting quick furtive glances can make you look sketchy and nervous. Try this: the next time you are in a social situation asks a close friend to observe how you interact visually with everyone around you.

Use gestures conservatively

Imagine how sketchy it would look if you are trying to tell someone that you are very happy for their promotion but your face betrays the fact that you don’t think the person is good enough for the job. By noticing and controlling your facial expressions to match your intentions, you are doing two things: First, your tone and body language will be consistent with the content of your speech – making your message more powerful. Second, you will appear more trustworthy because your words, expressions and gestures are all communicating the same message. Try this: Practice facial expressions in front of your bathroom mirror until they look natural and pleasant.

Strike a pose

There’s research out of Harvard which claims that holding your body in expansive “high power” poses can make you appear dominant and full of energy. No surprise there. So if you want to convey a commanding presence – stand tall, square your shoulders and widen your stance. Your weight should be balanced evenly with your limbs relaxed and open. Try this: Look at powerful personalities on TV. Set the volume to mute and observe their gestures. Emulate. Practice. Repeat.