How boundaries cultivate symbiotic relationships
The ultimate key to staying in control of your agenda while still maintaining genuine working relationships is to set and enforce clear boundaries. Personal boundaries are tricky because human expectations are constantly changing. As a result, boundaries expectations not only pervade our relationships with other people, but also with ourselves.
How many times have you set unrealistic expectations for yourself and promptly gotten upset when you failed? How many times has have your (or others’) perfectionist expectations and need for control sabotaged a work project or personal relationship? Take a look at the graphic below to see how many of these ‘violations’ you frequently participate in – both for your own boundaries and those of others.
Most of us struggle with setting boundaries and saying “No” on an ongoing basis. Not wanting to hurt feelings of others, not wanting to seem irresponsible or worse apathetic, we continue to let people invade our boundaries. And inevitably this leads to burnout. Whether we are pushing our boundaries to impress our colleagues and seniors or merely ourselves, there can be dire consequences for breaching your sacred boundaries over and over.
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When your boundaries are breached repeatedly (burnout, feeling incompetent, self-sabotage)
Our boundaries, both personal and professional, are meant to create a sense of security. They exist so that we may value and appreciate our own existence. They literally define who we are. How many times have you heard words like, she’s a pushover, he’s passive-aggressive or she’s too bossy?
People view others and themselves in the light of the boundaries they set. By allowing people to breach our boundaries time and again, we risk feeling burnout, incompetence and even self-loathing. If we are continually sidetracked by other people’s agenda, we lose sight of our own. In this tug-of-war with competing agendas, we rarely win – and believe it or not, the other person doesn’t win either.
Consequences of living with unhealthy boundaries can range from minor irritations to full-blown physiological problems. People with unhealthy boundaries:
• Are unable to say no for fear of rejection or abandonment
• Have a weak sense of identity often living to serve others
• Feel disempowered – giving their power and responsibility to others
• Let others make decisions for them
• Are unable to protect their physical and emotional space from intrusion
• Feel responsible for other’s happiness and satisfaction
• Expect others to read their minds and anticipate their needs
• May frequently breach others’ boundaries themselves
Healthy boundaries on the other hand lead to empowerment, strong limits and mutually beneficial relationships. People with healthy boundaries:
• Are assertive and vocal with their opinions, thoughts, feelings and needs
• Convey their point of contention in a respectful manner
• Freely say yes or no and also are okay when others say no
• Recognize that they have separate needs, thoughts, feelings and desires from others
• Make healthy choices and take responsibility for themselves
• Have high self-esteem and self respect
• Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship
• Protect physical and emotional space from invasion or intrusion
• Create equal partnerships with shared responsibility and power
Do you need to make changes? What changes could you make to help prevent further boundary violations?
Continue to Part 4 of the Staying True to Your Personal Vision series.